Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
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*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.