Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
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Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.