ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there