me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
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If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
