me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
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My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss