me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
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Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’