Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.

It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”

The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”

Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?

me: well, I am not certain but

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.

Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]

Me: creative differences

Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.

You should be fine, though.

Happy Halloween 🎃

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.