Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]

my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.

Even if it is no one’s birthday.

They don’t even check.

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.

Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.

Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.

Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…

I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.