Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
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Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
*ernest hemingway voice*
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*