Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊

My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

I’ll never reveal my secrets.

Alcohol: Lol.

Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.

Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.

I wish you were here with me baby

So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

Solving a traffic jam

I disagree with my politics

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

seriously you guys

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.