me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
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Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.