me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
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You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions