Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
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(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.
“Well boy,” I yell to my dog, seated in the basket of my pushbike as we plummet to the rocks below, “naming you E.T. clearly wasn’t enough.”
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it
Me: *destroys spider web
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes