me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
You Might Also Like
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken