@GoodZiIIa

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

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@Stellacopter

Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”

@joe_binkley

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?

@hazelmotes1

Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.

@ruinedpicnic

“Well boy,” I yell to my dog, seated in the basket of my pushbike as we plummet to the rocks below, “naming you E.T. clearly wasn’t enough.”

@TheIntComShow

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

@psybermonkey

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

@Elizasoul80

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

@thedad

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

@sofarrsogud

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes