Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

Phonetics

lost dog

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:

1. A gas pedal

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

buying dead houseplants to save time

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

the pigeons are already plenty salty

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.

well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem

*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.