me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
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Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.