Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland

The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.

me: my new book is fantastic

friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?

me: you can’t color it in twice

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.

virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤

coronavirus: i got this

[later]

virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?

coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”

And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.

Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving

my one true gender

STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”

HIM: “This might sound weird…”

STYLIST: “Try me.”

HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”

STYLIST: “I got this.”

To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.

Stop feeding it!

#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.