Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
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The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.