Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

Just had a marijuanapiphany:

Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!

News guy: The average person will consume around 4500 calories during the holidays.

Me: Pffft… amateurs.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

[feather on the ground]

4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!

Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.

4: I know. They fell off.

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops