Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?

me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?

therapist:
No.

me:
….Knives?

therapist:
Forget I asked.

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.

Support your local cemetery

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭

you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

[Hears kids approaching]

Me: Think we can outrun them?

Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

my retirement plan is braless

2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related

Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.

You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99