ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
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If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket