ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
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laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
We avoided this particular disaster
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG