Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

The British Museum will take anything but jokes.

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

Me: What’s your favorite book?

Date: War and Peace

Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Me, trying to settle down in bed.

My dog: Raises head high, sniffs repeatedly, then intently stares directly over my head for a good 10- 15 seconds, then shoves his head under a pillow.

Anyone know an exorcist?

I only say stupid things when I talk.

I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.

*Listening to red hot chili peppers*

Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!

Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

Me: kill me now!

Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you

Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?

No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.