Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
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There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…