Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
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[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened