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All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Overindulged this afternoon.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I feel it
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it