Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
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Go hard or stay average
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
those birds must be on payroll
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
No, I don’t think I will.
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Running your mouth is not cardio.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic