Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
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me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I got soap in my shower beer again.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia