Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
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Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I am yelling
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in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I’m calling the cops.
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Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.