ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
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Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]