Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

Me: *hanging off a cliff*

Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!

Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-

Kids: What’s for dinner?

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

Guy: what do you know about crypto

Me: that’s a DC villain, right?

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.

My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾

If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*