Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.

I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?

Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.

Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

Found my door mat

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”

The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂