Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet

The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.

one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

Herpes is trending, good job people

My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.

Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”

google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery

[Commercial for condoms]

*a baby cries*

NARRATOR: Condoms

*walks in*

Nope!

*does a 360° and walks in further*

Ah that’s why I failed geometry

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

[canadians at you, canadianly]

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.