Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
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at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth