Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
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Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
This is so messed up and I love it 🤣
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*