Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.

Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”

*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*

Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

[on a first date]

Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…

Her: I had a great time, good night!

Me: *runs in front of her car

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus

Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

Imagine Dragons.

No. Dragoner.

Body: it’s sleepy time.

Brain: it’s thinky time.

I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

*Speed dating*

Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “Next.”

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*

ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”

DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”