Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

No. He’s not coming out to play

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

me: omg goth bath bombs

santa: that’s charcoal

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.

It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”

Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.

My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”

Me:“But it’s the right kid?”

Wife: “Yes.”

Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”

“No way.” -Jose

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

My sex drive has a dui

BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”

BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”

Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”

Cake safety first. Always.

They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

YOUTH 1: lol

YOUTH 2: wtf

YOUTH 1: lmao

YOUTH 2: ikr

ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

[dinner party]

*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3

Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.

Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?

Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?

1: GENIUS!

Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes

My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.