me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
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I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
