Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”

They will drive… super carefully.

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.

Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…

saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.