me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
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I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses