me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
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Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
if you give a mouse a fish, he’ll eat for a day
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes