me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
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For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.