Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.