Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

wow he looks just like him

Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.

Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?

i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

God: your name is Owl.

Owl: who?

God: you. your name is Owl.

Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.

God: ok then state your name.

Owl: your name. lol.

God: are you serious?

Owl: no i’m Owl : )

God:

Owl:

God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.

Owl: who?

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.

Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.

Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,

It’s not going to cost ME anything.

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

Caesar [dying]: remember me

Soldier: we will name a salad after you

Caesar: ok

Soldier: with stale chunks of bread

Caesar: actually nev-

Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese

Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me