Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

Leftovers are for quitters!

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

[ First day as a British comedy account ]

I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.