me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
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It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
no exceptions
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Not today. 😅
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Ugh but profoundly