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@ArfMeasures: Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
@Reverend_Scott: REALTOR: You'll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn't like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor's face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
@NewDadNotes: God: you’re a bird.
God: but you can’t fly.
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
@AJslackie: Sex so bad, Taylor Swift breaks up with you and doesn't even write a song about it.
@DonovanConvery: If I had the power to time travel, I would mostly just use it to stop past me from eating stuff from the fridge that I'd like to eat now.
@aryuserius: Coke Zero
Well played Pepsi.