Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
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Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Why is no one talking about this?!
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.