me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
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me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
PLEASE READ
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library