Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

Please please please please please please please…

-me, flushing someone else’s toilet

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )

I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁

You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.

*baby starts crying*

ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy