Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…

Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out

“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?

Her: I can’t quite tell

Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

PLEASE READ

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*

Bouncer: you still can’t go in

What’s white & falls from the sky?

“The coming of the Lord.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

my dog: chomp, chomp

me: hey what’s in your mouth

my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.

Just kidding. Could you imagine?