Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
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If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Sorry I made promises on Friday
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Good morning
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
