Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.
Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.
Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.
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my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
🙄😏😂🤣
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”