Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]

Her: are you alright?

Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW

7-year-old: *using her tablet*

Me: You’re not doing your homework.

7: How did you know?

Me: You haven’t complained all morning.

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?

It’s two tired.

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.

ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky

Does anything good ever escape from a lab

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”

Me: “Hell yes!”

Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.