me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
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New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand