Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are

In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house

Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk