Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
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Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I’m 36 going on 37.
Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Sticker placement is key.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you