Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
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In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?