Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it

The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

What do you call a zombie who stir fries?

Dead man wokking

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

[being rescued from a deserted island]

me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks

them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol

ANGEL: What

GOD: Cat snake lmao

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

Mama Bear: The porridge is ready

Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.

For 23 years, I’ve been taking the minutes for the monthly regional managers meeting. Nobody has ever asked to view them before, so since going wfh I’ve been using the meetings to do my online food shop instead. I’ve just been asked for the minutes from our January meeting.

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…

Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?

Nephew: It matches your face!

Me: 😳😳

A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.