Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

[McDonalds board meeting]

CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”

– idiots

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?