Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.

My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)

you have three unread messages

When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

This makes total sense…

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*

me: great now who’s gonna do the news

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs