ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
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I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Animal poetry
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Schrödinger’s cookie
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!