Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation

[dinner]
prince eric:

ariel:

prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing

ariel: no no, not this crab

prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good

ariel: he was just a backup dancer

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..

4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather

Me:

Her:

Me: you study whether what?

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me

Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?

Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.

Me: And?

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.

Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

“Done the ad yet?”

“Yes, it’s already up.”

“Great. And you remembered the names of all the dinosaurs?”

“More or less”

Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

Sounds like a bargain

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.

the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.