Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
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angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
i’m sure it’s fine
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?