Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

*jingles half the way*

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

Morning all.

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

airing out the snack pack

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”