Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

secret recipe

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

me: im depressed

therapist: try a good walk

me: will that work

therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*

[slowly removing special glasses]

Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing

Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here

whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?

Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

Not long enough ahhh haha ha