Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.

“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait

Remember story of man who phoned work to say he couldn’t get in as there was a Cat on top his car
Employer said
Well shift the bloody Cat & get to work
The Cat was one those CAT tractor type vehicles & atop his car
😂

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.