Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
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Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
😲 WTF? 😆
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.