Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?

Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.

I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.

It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.

-kids

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

I get distracted pretty eas

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

Beards are a privilege, not a right

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band

March, April May

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

you’re so productive for your wage

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

*spills water on pants*

ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants

“hey what happ–”

MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL