Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
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Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
this year felt like being awake during surgery