Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

channeling her this year

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

Cop: have you been drinking?

Stork: no

Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg

Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

All right stop, coagulate and thicken

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured

I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”

and now we wait

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.

In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.

WHO DID THIS?

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

*years from now at my will reading*

Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”

My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??

Attorney: “… my meme collection.”