Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”

– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.

Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.

Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.

Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around

Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power

Kid: my dad?

Priest: haha no, even more powerful

Kid *nodding* mom

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.

Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand