Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

What’s a Messi?

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.

WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

Me: I got the birthday cake for our son

Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh

Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he

Wife: His name is Jake

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

Them: What is wrong with you?

Me: How much time do you have?

God: *frowns*

Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.