Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.

I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”

[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]

I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”

Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues

Its true…

The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…

“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game

Challenge accepted.

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.