Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
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A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Just a bush.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
FINE, I WON’T.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.