King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
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me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.