*sees guy having a heart attack*
me: quick somebody push a cookie in his mouth!
person: isn’t that for diabetics?
me: it’s what I would want
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: if you don’t tell your mother you love her we are going to make out at your next soccer game.
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“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I think my mom just blocked me
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Why these pigeons look like they bout to drop the most fire album of 2014