Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
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Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Now this is how you LinkedIn
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
$3 #books
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS