Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
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I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
