Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
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why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Who called them bad decisions and not instinks?
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler